Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
You Might Also Like
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!