The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
and now we wait
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Thursday Thought.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.