*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.