The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Sign of the day..
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”