Sign of the day..
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.