I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
i baked you a cake
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.