Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
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Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
(Electricians.)
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.