omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
are there any atheist mantises?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune