I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup