I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.