At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
🦝🔥🦝🔥
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.