When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler