ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
How did we not see this back then?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.