Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes