My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
She: I like Cats
He:
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Nice try, NASA
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.