Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Chemical wingman
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.