Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is