‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*