[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
That was easy.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines