Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Erm I’m gonna say no
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.