Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

When the stylist spins you back around

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus