If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
You Might Also Like
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!