People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Pass gas, not judgment.