Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Born to be mild.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???