Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Candles never taste the way they smell
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.