HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Woke up against my better judgement again
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Every BBC series about the universe.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.