*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.