And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
🤔😂😂
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]