I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.