4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I have never related to a cat more
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.