Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter