“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
🤷♀️
