“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
That earthquake could have been an email.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER