ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
A bold strategy
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
If a snake ate a cake
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.