Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.