My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.