Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Happy Friday
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.