Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Brands during Pride
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.