My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“no gods no masters” = leo
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
This is the one