Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.