When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body