When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Two types of dogs.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
concern
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.