When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd