Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
A friend sent me this.
I am crying
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.