Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?