“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
no one likes gloating
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.