“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Liquor Store Parking
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.