*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler