How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal