Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Poetry is my passion
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.