Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day