If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it