me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming