Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
real
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.