Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.