Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!